Caroline in the City

Caroline and the Opera

Story by Carol Gray
Teleplay by Marco Pennette, Fred Barron, and Dottie Dartland
Directed by Tom Cherones

Cast of 'Caroline in the City'

Lea Thompson as "Caroline Duffy" [CARO]
Eric Lutes as "Del Cassidy" [DEL]
Malcolm Gets as "Richard Karinsky" [RICH]
Amy Pietz as "Annie Spidarro" [ANNE]
Andy Lauer as "Charlie" [CHAR]

Guest Stars (In order of appearance)

Jean Stapleton as "Aunt Mary" [MARY]
as "Peter" [PETE]
Lauren Graham as "Shelley [SHEL]
Tom LaGrua as "Remo" [REMO]

[Scene 1: Caroline's Apartment. Annie enters with a bag of luggage. Caroline is inside.]

ANNE: Okay, where do you want your aunt's bags, and please do not say upstairs.

CARO: Fine. [Annie sets the bags down]

ANNE: [remarking at Caroline's multi-colored, knitted vest] Oh, hoo, hoo! Very nice vest. Well I know one sheep that went through the cold winter needlessly.

CARO: Aunt Mary knitted it for me, and I wanted her to see me in it.

ANNE: [whispering] It's so ugly!

CARO: I know. But she's my favorite aunt and it'll make her happy.

ANNE: All I can say is, I am so glad that my aunts are crippled with arthritis.

DEL: [entering] What died in your Aunt Mary's luggage?

CARO: She probably brought cheese again.

MARY: [entering] Good old Wisconsin cheddar. I know how you like your cheddar. [to Del] Be careful with that, it's got crackers.

CARO: You know, Aunt Mary, since the railroads, we can get foodstuffs in New York.

MARY: Don't sass your Auntie. Oh, Richard, thank you so much. [hands him a coin] This is for you.

CARO: You know, you don't have to tip Richard.

RICH: Don't sass your Auntie.

CARO: So, recognize this?

MARY: Reminds me of a blanket my cocker-spaniel sleeps on.

CARO: You knitted it for me.

MARY: Oh, I never made you that. It's ugly. Looks like your Aunt Edna's handiwork.

CARO: Thank God. I don't even like Aunt Edna.

MARY: Apparently she's not too crazy about you either. Now, Richard, let me get this straight, our Caroline draws her little cartoons and you color them in?

RICH: Yes.

MARY: Do you get paid for that?

RICH: And so, Mrs. Coskey, that cruise you're taking actually goes right through the Bermuda Triangle?

MARY: Oh, ho, ho, ho. This one's full of piss and vinegar.

DEL: I don't know about vinegar. Wow! look at the time. Must be a meeting somewhere I'm late for.

CARO: Don't forget, opera Friday night.

DEL: Don't forget, don't want to go.

MARY: Get over here and give me a hug, Delbert.

RICH: Delbert?

DEL: [as Aunt Mary goes through his pockets] What are you doing?

MARY: Looking for engagement rings.

CARO: Aunt Mary.

MARY: Well, I promised your mother. I mean you're the only unmarried cousin left and all the rest of them already have babies. At this rate, you'd have to have two a year to match that....

DEL: Wow! look at that, now I'm really late! [exit Del]

MARY: Caroline, remember Mrs. Baker?

CARO: Oh, yeah.

MARY: Well she tells me every morning how much she loves your comic strip.

CARO: Awww.

MARY: She still has the booby cow you drew her.

RICH: Booby cow?

ANNE: No kidding?

MARY: Well it was when Caroline was ten years old. She wanted breasts so bad she drew them everywhere.

CARO: Well enough about me. How's Uncle Bim?

MARY: Oh, honey, you really don't call your mother. Your uncle and I have been separated for weeks.

CARO: What? You and Uncle Bim separated? You've been married like, forever.

MARY: Well, honey, to be honest the marriage wasn't working for some time. And this whole trouble of splitting up, I figure at our age, it would be easier to wait for one of us to die. But with fat-free here and fat-free there, and the damn treadmill he brought home we weren't going anywhere.

ANNE: Wow, I didn't even know people in the midwest got divorced.

MARY: Oh, yes we get divorced. We don't get Woody Allen movies, but we get divorced.

CARO: So, are you guys still friends?

MARY: Oh we were always friends we just hadn't had sex for the last eight years of our marriage.

RICH: Oh, will you look at that. Girl talk and me without a uterus. Oh, very charming to meet you, Mrs. Coskey.

MARY: Nice to meet you, Richard. [exit Richard]

ANNE: Boy, there's a phrase you don't hear too often.

MARY: So, these are the men you moved to New York to meet.

CARO: I didn't move to New York to meet men, I moved to New York to get away from my fam...Yeah, these are the men.

MARY: You know who else moved to New York?

CARO: Who?

MARY: Peter Welmerling.

CARO: From junior high?

MARY: Yeah. I thought I'd give Peter your phone number, maybe you could show him around the city.

CARO: Yeah, I know what you're trying to do, but I have a boyfriend.

MARY: Oh, the one without a ring.

ANNE: Oooh, direct hit.

CARO: Just, just promise me you won't give him my number.

MARY: Fine, Caroline. I just hope before I die...

CARO: Aunt, Mary, don't.

MARY: It was worth a shot. Oh, honey, Caroline. I just want you to find true love.

CARO: Isn't it enough I found this great loft? I am fine. Now you're only here for one day, so I thought I'd take the afternoon off and we'll go to the Russian Tea Room for lunch and then we'll go see a matinee of Beauty and the Beast .

MARY: Oh, let's not go to a show. Let's go to a place where they have single men.

CARO: I told you, I already have a boyfriend.

MARY: And I told you it's been eight years.

[Scene 2: Caroline's Apartment. Caroline and Del enter.]

CARO: I just don't understand how Aunt Mary's going to be happy on a cruise ship. I mean seven days where they stuff you full of food and shove you into a dark little cabin. Man, I'd feel like veal.

DEL: At least she'll have cheese and crackers to go with herself.

CARO: So, Richard, any messages?

RICH: Yeah, your agent called and he said to call him back. The breather called and he said hhaaaa, and some guy, some guy named Peter Welmerling called.

CARO: Oh, my God, I can't believe she gave him my number.

DEL: Who's Peter Welmerling?

CARO: Some kid I knew back in Peshtago. Braces, chess club. He threw a fetal pig at me in seventh grade.

RICH: Nothing like tossing around the old pig skin, huh?

CARO: Now I'm going to have to do the polite thing and show him around New York. Hey, why don't we take him to the Statue of Liberty or the Bronx Zoo or something on Saturday?

DEL: Hey, you know, even better, why don't take him out Friday night?

CARO: We have the opera on Friday night.

DEL: Subtlety is lost on you, isn't it?

CARO: You know, going to one little opera is not going to kill you?

DEL: Actually it could, I read about it in the Guy's Newsletter. He was....

RICH: How could anyone not like the opera. Opera is transcendent. It is the most intense musical experience a person can have.

CARO: Plus you get to wear those neat, long gloves!

RICH: You know, I'm certain that's what Mozart had in mind when he wrote The Marriage of Figaro . 'Oh, goodie, now women can accessorize!

CARO: You know, I might not be the biggest opera buff in the world, but I think it's fun to go. Del, come on, I go to the hockey games with you.

DEL: Because you're the one who likes hockey.

CARO: Oh, then that wouldn't be a good example, would it? Look, all I'm trying to say is: can't you at least make an effort to try something new?

DEL: Hey, I try new things all the time.

RICH: If this turns in to the boxers versus briefs discussion again, I'm leaving.

CARO: Richard, would you like to go to the opera with me?

RICH: Yes, I would love to. I haven't been to the Met in years. But, unfortunately, Shelley has plans for, oh, my life.

CARO: What's she got you doing this time?

RICH: She's taken up acupuncture. She thinks I can be in better spiritual balance. Apparently I have an angry yang.

DEL: You're telling me.

CARO: [picking up the phone] Hello? Well, huhu, to you too, pervert. Oh, Peter, gosh, I am so sorry. Still have that asthma, huh? Well, sure I'd love to get together.

DEL: Opera, opera, ask him to the opera.

CARO: Let me ask you something, do you like the opera? Oh, you do? [Del is celebrating]

DEL: Yes, he does!

CARO: So, listen, I have two tickets for Friday, so, yeah....I can't hear you. Are you on a car phone? Call me back.

RICH: Well, congratulations, Del, I believe the governor just gave you a pardon.

CARO: [picking up the phone] Hi, yeah, this is much better. I thought a short black dress and some heels. Right now? Peter, why do you want to know what I'm wearing right now? Oh. [puts the phone down] That wasn't Peter.

[Scene 3: Caroline's Apartment. Annie is helping Caroline prepare for her night out with Peter.]

ANNE: Okay, who would you rather sleep with, Ross Perot or on of those flying devil monkeys from The Wizard of Oz ?

CARO: Boy monkey or girl monkey?

ANNE: [finishing Caroline's hair] There, perfect. So Del's really okay with you going out with this Peter guy?

CARO: It was his idea.

ANNE: Yeah, but what if you see each other and it's like junior high all over again?

CARO: What? He's going to tie me to a flag pole and rub gum in my hair? (enter Del)

DEL: Wow. Look at you.

CARO: What are you doing here, honey?

DEL: Oh, I thought I'd drop by these contracts for you to sign for the Mother's Day cards.

CARO: Why didn't you just send a messenger?

DEL: Messengers. I make them run around all day.

CARO: [looking at the contracts] Well, these look fine.

DEL: Well you're just going to sign them? You don't read contract? They could be ripping you off.

CARO: Del, they is you. It's your company.

DEL: So, I could be ripping you off. [bell rings]

ANNE: Del....think then speak. [Caroline goes to answer the bell]

CARO: Who is it?

PETE: Hi, Caroline, it's Peter.

CARO: Come on up. Well it's been 13 years. I hope he recognizes me without my Dorothy Hamill doo.

DEL: Oh, is tonight that Marriage of Fiagaro thing?

CARO: Yeah, that's why you made up that contract thing.

DEL: These really needed to be signed.

ANNE: On a Friday night?

DEL: The contracts don't know it's Friday night.

ANNE: Ohhh! Come on Del, admit it, you're jealous.

DEL: Oh, me of fetal pig boy? [enter Peter]

PETE: Hello?

CARO: Peter?

PETE: Caroline?

CARO: Wow. You look wow.

PETE: Well you look pretty wow yourself. So, what's different. I can't put my finger on it.

ANNE: [motioning to Caroline's bust] Oh, she finally got boobies.

DEL: And let's just try to keep our finger off them.

CARO: Peter. This is my best friend Annie. [Peter and Annie shake]

PETE: Hi.

ANNE: It's very nice to meet you.

CARO: And my boyfriend, Del.

PETE: Hi.

DEL: [getting up] Oh.

PETE: Is something wrong?

DEL: It's just my back. It's what I get for trying to set a new bench press record at the gym.

PETE: Oh, yeah? Do you want me to take a look at it? I'm an orthopedic surgeon.

ANNE: I think we have a winner.

DEL: No, no. I'm okay. Thanks anyway.

CARO: Curtain's in a half and hour, so shall we?

PETE: Yeah.

CARO: I don't know why I'm saying 'shall.' I guess I'm just dressed up for the opera and it just seemed right.

PETE: Hey, Del, do you want to join us for a drink afterwards? It's the least I can do after stealing your beautiful girlfriend away for a night.

DEL: Hey, you haven't seen her in the morning--when she is even more radiant if you can believe that.

ANNE: Del...speak, no babble.

CARO: If you change you mind, we'll be at Remo's.

DEL: [kiss] No, no, you guys go have fun. Talk about the old days.

ANNE: Screw the old days. Talk about me.

CARO: Bye. [they leave]

ANNE: I've got to hand it to you. Despite a few dicey moments, you seemed pretty self-confident.

DEL: Oh, come on. I'm not worried about this guy.

ANNE: Really?

DEL: Why, do you think I should be?

ANNE: Well if it was me and my girlfriend went to the opera with a rich, great looking doctor, I'd be jealous. I'd also be a lesbian, but I'd be jealous.

[Scene 4: Richard's Apartment. Richard is in the closet hiding from Shelley.]

RICH: Put the needles away.

SHEL: It won't hurt.

RICH: Put the needles away.

SHEL: Well if I don't practice I'll never get my acupuncture certificate. Look, I know it's a little scary, but it will help break through your trust issues and it just might help clear up those sinuses.

RICH: Shelley, for the last time, no. [knock at the door]

SHEL: You don't have to knock, Richard. Just come on out. [another knock] Oh! [opens the door to reveal Del] Hey, Del.

RICH: Hey, Shelley. Is Richard around?

SHEL: He's hiding in the closet--baby.

RICH: [coming out] Del?

DEL: What are you doing in there?

RICH: Trying to preserve the integrity of my epidermal layer.

DEL: Who talks like that?

SHEL: I know.

RICH: Del, what are you doing here?

DEL: Richard, I never thought I'd say this, but I need you. [Richard goes back into the closet]

[Scene 5: The Opera.]

CARO: So have you ever seen Figaro before?

PETE: Well, actually, I've conducted it. We had a little performing society in medical school.

CARO: Well I'm really looking forward to seeing it. [enter a lady with very big hair] I'm really looking forward to hearing it.

[Scene 6: Richard's Apartment. Later.]

DEL: Hey, look. I'm gonna meet Caroline and this Peter guy in an hour and I don't have time to go to medical school, so I thought if I learned a little something about opera I wouldn't seem--completely stupid.

RICH: Ahhh, so you're jealous of this guy.

DEL: No, I just don't like the idea of some good-looking guy out with my girlfriend.

RICH: I know somebody who's getting a dictionary for Christmas.

SHEL: Del, that negativity usually comes from a spot right on the back of your heel. [holds up needle] I can release that.

DEL: No, thanks anyway, Shelley. I'll release it myself later.

SHEL: Okay, but I know somebody who's skin in breaking out.

DEL: Come on guys. I've got an hour to learn an opera.

RICH: Del, isn't there something else you can do to impress Caroline?

DEL: Well, I can burp the alphabet.

RICH: Okay, The Marriage of Fiagaro , Act I. [begins to sing in the tune of the overture]

[Scene 7: The Opera. Later.]

[Peter is uncomfortable]

CARO: Moving, isn't it?

PETE: The tempo is all wrong. They call this adagio?

CARO: Shame on them.

[Scene 8: Richard's Apartment. Later.]

RICH: We're in the garden. Susanna is disguised as the countess. The countess is disguised as Susanna. And they tell it all to Cherubino, who's really a girl, playing a boy, pretending he's a girl.

DEL: Wasn't there a Three's Company like this?

SHEL: Yeah.

RICH: Why? Why do I bother?

DEL: No, come on. This is important. What next?

RICH: Okay, what next? Well, they all live happily ever after. There are two kinds of opera. The kind where they all live happily ever after, and the kind where they all commit suicide. They're not a subtle people.

SHEL: Del, if you got lost, just say 'Pavarotti.' Everybody loves Pavarotti.

DEL: Let me see if I've got this right. The count and countess get together. Barbarino and Cherubino are together. Tell me again what happens to Figaro.

RICH: He gets married. Hence the title The Marriage of Figaro .

[Scene 9: Remo's. Peter and Caroline are there.]

PETE: Viny Bianchy. Viny Bianchy. Do you have anything from Grato Filata?

REMO: You know the Friscatti region?

PETE: Yes, I took some cooking classes at the Restaurante Discolo.

REMO: Restaurante Discolo? I don wanna fitalo. Kitafa. Bi.......[Peter and Remo converse in Italian] [Caroline pretends to smoke a breadstick][to Caroline] This one is a catch. [removes the breadstick from her mouth] Behave.

CARO: Wow, you can do it all, can't you? You speak Italian. You fix the cab when it breaks down.

PETE: Oh, well, it was just a fan belt that came loose.

CARO: Yeah but you made a new one from the driver's shoelaces. Is there anything you can't do, Peter?

PETE: Ovulate?

CARO: I bet you could if you tried.

PETE: You know, Caroline, don't you kind of wonder what would have happened if we had fallen in love and maybe gotten married?

CARO: I'm guessing I'd be a Valium addict. [he gives her a questioning look] What with all your free samples and all. [enter Del]

DEL: Hey, Remo.

REMO: Senior Del, we're closed.

DEL: You're full.

REMO: So, we're full.

DEL: Look, Remo, I know Caroline's here with someone else.

REMO: Listen, I just got the Gambino family to stop eating here. I don't want no trouble.

DEL: Caroline.

CARO: Del.

DEL: Peter.

PETE: Hi, Del.

CARO: So you decided to come after all.

DEL: Oh, yeah. I was in the neighborhood. I just picked up the new Don Giovanni CD.

PETE: Oh with Sam Ramey. I've got it sitting back home in my Beamer.

DEL: Well, well, I guess I should have left mine in my Porsche.

PETE: You know, Ramey is a wonderful technician, but Americans just don't get the idiomatic nuances of Italian.

DEL: Why, if I had a nickel for every time I thought that.....

PETE: Well on the other hand, Peter Seller's Don Giovanni was a revelation.

CARO: So was the Pink Panther .

PETE: Different Peter Sellers.

DEL: Really, Caroline.

PETE: [to Del] Viny Bianchy?

DEL: Ah. [Peter pours him some]

CARO: It's from the Friscotti region, Del.

DEL: Oooh, how delightful. So, how was the opera?

PETE: Well I've never been comfortable with Thomas Allen's interpretation of the count. It's spacil, and quite frankly, it lacks honesty.

DEL: Well that's too bad, because honesty is so important in an opera that's not only a masterpiece, but perhaps the most successful marriage of score and libretto in history.

CARO: Whoa!

PETE: Yes, one wonders if Mozart or Duponte imagined that when they were writing it.

DEL: Yes, one wonders.

PETE: So let me ask you, what do you think of Filucio Filaneto's Figaro ?

CARO: Too many 'Fs' for me.

DEL: Yeah, that guy's good, but, if you ask me, nobody does it better than Pavarotti. I mean everybody loves Pavarotti, right?

PETE: Well, Pavarotti's wonderful, yes, but he couldn't do Figaro . It's a bass-baritone role, and he's--a tenor.

DEL: Well I heard him a long time ago, before his voice changed.

CARO: Del, eat some bread.

PETE: His voice changed from a base to a tenor? You know I would love to hear that recording.

DEL: Well you can't. It's out of print, and, ah, that's it.

PETE: If you say so, or as the French say: d'la fode et onde gerezeto. Ne pas? (French speaking people: does that make any sense? If not, e-mail me

DEL: Yeah, well, Grey Poupon, Les Miserables .

CARO: Del, you don't speak French.

DEL: No, but can you do this? [juggles some fruit]

CARO: Del.

PETE: As a matter of fact. [takes the fruit from Del]

CARO: Peter.

REMO: Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, please! Please! This is the no circus section. Ladies and gentlemen, Remo's is proud to present the amazing Senior Del, the amazing Senior Other Guy.

[Del is balancing a chair on his chin; Peter is doing a handstand]

DEL: Caroline, jump on!

PETE: Caroline, set me on fire!

[Scene 10: The Streets. Del is walking.]

CARO: [Caroline catches up to her] Hey, you. Where are you going?

DEL: I hear Ringing Brothers is looking for a new trained seal. If I hurry, I cans still make it.

CARO: I think what you did was pretty romantic.

DEL: What? I made an idiot out of myself. I got kicked out of Remo's.

CARO: Yeah, well, you made twenty bucks in tips.

DEL: I bet Peter made thirty.

CARO: I think you're amazing.

DEL: Yeah?

CARO: Yeah.

DEL: So all I gotta do to win you over is make a fool out of myself?

CARO: That's how you won me in the first place.

DEL: Hey, you're the one who slammed my coat in the cab door.

CARO: You're the one who held on and let it drag you for five blocks.

DEL: It was Brooks Brothers. [they hug]

[The End]

Back to the Caroline in the City Web Page